It is a challenge to untangle all the actions and interactions of family members with very different personalities, beliefs, and private logic
Lifestyle Priorities
As many parents, as many parenting styles. Each parent is unique in so many ways, yet children make parents the same. All parents encounter similar challenges and power struggles. It’s a fine line and the lifestyle priority differentiates a parenting style. When you identify your priorities you define your lifestyle and implicit your parenting style.
What is a lifestyle priority? Do you know your parenting style?
As adults, we have a blueprint to live life. Based on family beliefs, new beliefs we adopt along the way, and the experiences we have up to the point when the child joins the family, we get to choose how we want to live life. Choice after choice, habit after habit, we get to create the unique lifestyle that we pass on to our babies. Children, including teenagers, have no training in creating blueprints for living nor life experience interpreting life with objectivity. They adopt what we offer, or they rebel in new ways. The in-between is possible, too.
It is very important to figure out where you stand so you can be aware of what you transfer to your children. As a conscious adult, you can make choices to benefit the future generation who will lead a better world. With awareness and understanding of what to be changed and done, conscious parenting can make the world a better place one child at a time.
By identifying your primary and secondary lifestyle, you will discover your parenting style which gives clarity for ways to cruise your parenting adventure.
The primary priority is what you may do when you are stressed when you are feeling insecure or threatened about your sense of belonging and significance in the world.
Secondary priority is what you do when feeling secure and you use your usual behaviors.
Parenting is about limits and organization taught to children. Based on how tight or loose the limits are or how strict the level of organization is we can point to four adult lifestyles:
The priority is comfort: the parent avoids pain and stress and does what’s comfortable and easier for her/him but they may not help children learn limits and organization.
The kids think that they can always do their thing and not have to respect any rules of social responsibility.
The belief: I can always do what I want no matter what.
Example: the parent would rather let the kids fall asleep on the floor and carry them to bed than creating stress by arguing.
The priority is control: the parent avoids criticism and humiliation by being in control. The parent doesn’t involve kids in creating limits.
The belief: I always have to please others to get love. Another effect is they might rebel.
Example: the parent walks the kids through every step of their routine, making sure everything is done properly.
The priority is pleasing: parents would do anything for children to be happy, they make things pleasent to win kid’s love and avoid rejection.
The belief developed: I belong only where others take care of me, please me, and give me all that I want.
Example: the parent is playing games and making it fun to put pajamas on or brush teeth, he/she brings that glass of water and returns for the endless “last” hug.
The priority is superiority: the parent has the need to be right, lectures the kids, and thinks only he knows best. She thinks the kids should do things right.
The belief: I think there is only one way to make life meaningful.
Example: the parent is lecturing kids about the right thing to do and is always frustrated with the kids because they don’t listen to her/his wisdom and expect the kids to respect the bed routine.
These are extreme examples to point out the lifestyles parents can adopt. It is important to know your lifestyle because it influences parenting, it impacts children’s lifestyle choices. Most parents can reorganize some of their tendencies and recreate their style. It is a challenge to untangle all the actions and interactions of family members with very different personalities, beliefs, and private logic. Knowledge, awareness, and patience can help.
There are assets and liabilities to each style that affect how we interact with children. In time and with practice we can learn to build on the assets and avoid getting hooked into liabilities or personal style. Parents want to claim all the assets of each priority and reject the liabilities.
The first step is to understand the presence of different lifestyles. After considering and identifying the styles, we need to take into consideration what is most beneficial for the children. Just becasue we grew up in a certain way, doesn’t mean our kids have to live the same thing. We are more aware than ever and we can respect our little people for who they are. They need the structure as much as the freedom to choose in a way that empowers them and makes them feel understood and loved.
Conscious parenting can make the world a better place one child at a time.
Children get to develop their lifestyle when they perceive the world from their angle when they take decisions and come to some basic conclusions that include a “ therefore, I must…” belief. The following decisions children might make are based on the circumstances they are exposed:
comfort:
“I am little others are big. Therefore I must get others to take care of me”
control:
“I am little others are big. Therefore I must stay in control so I don’t get humiliated.”
pleasing:
“I am little others are big. Therefore I must please others so I will be loved.”
superiority:
“I am little others are big. Therefore I must try harder to do better.”
Read this part again and sleep on it. What beliefs do you want your child to adopt?
Find your lifestyle priority:
Read the statements below and see which one is yours. The one that feels true to you in times of stress is your primary priority. Stress is perceived differently by each individual. Only your thinking can make stress. As Alfred Adler said: “Your thoughts have no meaning except the meaning you give them.”
Which statement makes sense to you?
“I feel best about myself when I and those around me are comfortable.”
“I feel worse about myself when there is tension, pain, stress.”
“I feel best about myself when things are organized and I am in control of myself and the situation.”
“I feel worse about myself when I feel embarrassed, humiliated, criticized and I think I should have done better or known better.
“I feel best about myself when everyone around me is pleased and when I avoid conflicts so life is fun, not difficult.”
“I feel worse about myself when I feel rejected, left out, and unappreciated.
“I feel best about myself when I am achieving success and have meaningful contributions.”
“I feel worse about myself when I feel stupid, worthless, and a mess.”
1-COMFORT 2-CONTROL 3-PLEASING 4-SUPERIORITY
We choose one priority(secondary) as our method that we use on a daily basis when we feel secure. When we feel stressed, insecure, or threatened we tend to fall back on our primary priority. In different conditions and situations, we choose behaviors from different priorities but it is always to maintain a “must-have” priority. For example, a controlling parent may please to obtain control.
The purpose of understanding lifestyle priorities is not to create stereotypes, but to increase awareness that will help you make informed choices instead of being blind victims to perceptions you had and decisions you made as a child, then in a subsequent time you forgot. Don’t try to memorize all these, but read them from time to time and you will be able to develop your strategies to overcome the possible liabilities of your lifestyle priorities.
I will have part two for this post where I will write about each parenting style. With that added to this info, you will take more responsibility for what you create with your choices and behavior instead of acting like a victim. You will have more responsibility for the challenges you experience with children.
Are you surprised by what style you discovered for your parenting? What would be your chosen one? What do you think you could do today to improve your style?
The parenting style part two is to be posted next Sunday. You’ll find me here with more good information to help you cruise parenting with more ease. Just make sure you are subscribed and open the emails at your convenience.
Remember: you can find all posts on my main Substack page where you will enjoy colorful layouts and beautiful pictures. A nice experience!
Self-care:
Do what is best for your family.
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