Choose qulity, not quantaty.
As I mentioned last week I am presenting the one-on-one parenting tool that is a game-changer. In the previous post Ask Miha we read about potty training regression. The mom thought it might be an attention issue, where her daughter is asking for her attention. There is a chance that is part of the problem, but most regressions happen becasue that is how the brain works and implements new information and habits. You take two steps forward and one step back. Just becasue you want to practice and make sure you got it right (I like to say). Today’s tool I would place next to positive time out, they go hand in hand because they are under the same idea: quality time. Quality time is important in every aspect of life. Who wouldn’t choose quality over quantity?
One-on-One
I choose to write One with capital letters becasue is about two super important individuals, the One(child) who needs the other One(parent) to connect, to bound, to feel secure, loved, and important. We know that we all need to feel a sense of belonging and significance. These primary goals solve a lot of issues in day-to-day life, especially for children. When children feel they belong to the family and they are important to their family their behavior shows improvement.
One-on-One is a simple technique where you spend time with each of your children individually, and consistently on an activity the child is choosing. Is important for each parent to spend time with each child, every day for 10 minutes, ideally 2x/day. It is not impossible and please stop finding excuses. Trust ideas that were proven to work and try them for yourselves. Make this tool a part of your routine and watch your child thrive.
Steps to help you implement one-on-one in your parenting:
Turn-off technology
Tell your child it’s time to spend time together
If you have more children, introduce the tool in a family meeting and choose the order the kids will have for this time along with when. Include them in taking the decisions and be open to their suggestions.
Ask them what they would like to do
Let the child choose the activity they want to do, and what they like best. When they have your full attention will make them feel important and loved. Simply playing on the floor with you in their room, biking outside, making play-doh dinner, or reading together will make the relationship grow and bloom. Teenage kids might enjoy creating an iTunes list with you or having an informal chat with you.
Let the other sibling that is private time and you expect them to respect that. Make sure all involved understand is 1 to 1 and strictly do it. Have them play on their own in their room, send them to a playdate, and have your partner have a one-on-one with him. You can do one-on-one when the little sister takes her nap.
Tell the child how special this time together is for you and how much it means to you. How you miss them all the time, how fun it is to spend time with her/him.
Make the best of these 10 minutes. Be fully present, and don’t allow yourself to be disturbed unless is a life emergency. If the other sibling is interrupting make sure next time you find space outside the house. Even a 10-minute walk around the block where the child leads the conversation or she is choosing the sidewalk to be on matters.
Make sure you share your thoughts and feelings so you model quality time, where feelings come first. Being aware of how people make you feel is a life skill that can’t be thought of but shown.
Wrap up the one-on-one time by saying out loud: this was such a great time for me. I love you so much, you are so fun to be with. I can’t wait for our next special time together.
When you give a chance to this tool and you spend 10 min/ day with your child you will build a strong relationship that is guaranteed to improve your life with children. This special time will enrich children’s attitudes, they will gain more self-confidence, and they will appreciate quality. If your family is slow to start on this one, keep trying. Set the time once a week, every 3 days, every 2 days, and every day. Baby steps take us a long way. If you give it a chance you will love this tool so much that you will want to do it even when your kids are taking off to college. Unfortunately by then, you can do it once a month or every 3 months. What better motivation is to start now when you are still having the power to manage the time, while they live in your house. This parenting technique will feed your moments of sadness when the kids are grown-ups and they don’t have time for you. Teach them quality time so they can apply it in their life, and in their relationships. Make them be quality people lovers. Who knows, they might want to keep this practice even when they are married. How special would that be for them to ask for quality time with just you?
This One-on-One should be applied with your spouse, too. You have to find time to spend time together without distractions. You both deserve quality time together.
Self-care
Use the one-on-one tool with yourself. Let’s call it Self-on-Self. Spend 10 minutes/ day with your own self. Turn off your phone and do something for YOU. Take that special time to do something you like, you enjoy. Treat yourself to that quality you love the most. You are allowed anything. You are the adult and you have no restrictions. Spend those 10 minutes/ day however the fuck you want. Give yourself permission to enjoy pleasure. You deserve it. Choose now and be happy with who you are for at least 10 minutes every day.
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